Holy Humor
Compiled & Edited by Mark M. Mattison
"...a time to weep and a time to laugh" (Eccl. 3:4a).
Jokes
Puns
(read at your own risk)Sally the Sunday School teacher lined up the children in her class so they could recite the creed they had been memorizing the past few weeks.
"I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth," Robbie began.
"And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord," Suzy said next.
"Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary," said Timmy.
"Suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, buried," said Molly.
"He descended into hell," said Jim.
"The third day he rose again from the dead," said Margaret.
"He ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty," said Billy.
"From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead," said Jill.
Then followed a long silence. Finally Timmy spoke up and said, "The boy who believes in the Holy Ghost isn't here today."
Richard Halverson, former chaplain to the U.S. Senate, once described all of church history in a nutshell. I don't remember it word for word, but it went something like this:
Christianity began in Palestine as a movement of people who had relationships with Jesus Christ.
Then it moved to Greece, where it became a philosophy.
Then it moved to Rome, where it became an institution.
Then it moved to Europe, where it became a culture.
Finally, it moved to the United States, where it became a business.
Frank was walking across a bridge one day when he saw a desperate man preparing to leap to his death. "Wait," Frank called after him, "Don't do it! You've too much to live for!"
The man turned and said, "Like what?"
Frank said, "Well, ah, what's your name?"
"Stan," the man said.
Frank said, "Well, Stan, are you atheist or religious?"
Stan said, "Religious."
Frank said, "Well, so am I. are you Buddhist or Christian?"
Stan said, "Christian."
Frank said, "So am I. Are you Episcopalian or Evangelical?"
Stan said, "Evangelical."
Frank said, "Well, so am I! Are you Evangelical Church of the Lord or Evangelical Church of God?"
Stan said, "Evangelical Church of God!"
Frank said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Original Evangelical Church of God or Reformed Evangelical Church of God?"
Stan said, "I'm Reformed Evangelical Church of God!"
Frank said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Evangelical Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Evangelical Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
Stan said, "Reformed Evangelical Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
To which Frank replied, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed Stan off.
Three churches in a local town pooled their efforts to sponsor a revival. After the revival, members from the three churches gathered to compare notes.
"Our church did very well in the revival," the first noted. "We gained four new members!"
"We did even better," said the second. "Our church gained six new members."
"We were very pleased too," said the third. "We lost our ten most troublesome members."
And then there's the one about the Christian who skipped church to go bear hunting.
As he was quietly stalking through the forest, suddenly a large, menacing bear popped out of nowhere and knocked his gun out of his hand. He gave a yelp, turned on his heels, and ran like a frightened rabbit.
He ran and ran and ran, the bear gaining on him every moment.
He looked back once to see how close the bear was, and as he did so he tripped on a tree root and tumbled down a hill. He hit the bottom with a "smack" and got up to witness the terrible sight of this immense bear about to lunge on him.
So he put his hands together and prayed, "Dear Lord, please make this bear a Christian."
The bear began to lunge, then stopped frozen in his tracks. He backed off, sat on his haunches, put his paws together and prayed, "Dear Lord, I thank you for this food I'm about to eat."
"Wow!" Bill told his friend Isaac. "Check this out! The Bible says here that the Israelites crossed over the Red Sea on foot!"
"Well," replied Isaac, "That's actually the Sea of Reeds, which at that point was actually very shallow, so they probably crossed over in just two feet of water."
"Oh," said Bill, and he continued to read, disappointed. "Hey, wait! Check this out! It says here that the Egyptian army drowned in just two feet of water!"
While touring Israel, two people thought they'd rent a boat and take it across the Sea of Galilee.
"That'll be a hundred dollars," said the man at the boat rental.
"A hundred dollars? That's an outrageous amount!" one of the tourists exclaimed.
"Ah, but this is the lake Jesus walked on," the merchant pointed out.
To which the irritated tourist replied, "For a hundred dollars a boat, I can see why!"
One enterprising man asked the Lord, "Lord, how long is a million years to you?"
The Lord replied, "To me, a million years is like a second."
The man asked, "Lord, how much is a million dollars to you?"
The Lord said, "To me, a million dollars is like a penny."
The man asked, "Lord, may I have a penny?"
The Lord answered, "Sure, just a second."
"Dad, when can I have a car?"
"When you shave and get a haircut."
"Well, Dad, I've been reading the Bible a lot lately, and I understand that Jesus didn't cut his hair or shave his beard."
"Yes, and he also walked everywhere he went."
It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can sometimes be misused. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap paper he had written her address on, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed to an elderly deacon's wife, whose husband had just passed away the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family came rushing into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
Sermon Text
During the course of a bitter pastor-congregation dispute, the church's pastor quit and found a job working as a chaplain at the local jail. On his last Sunday with the church, just before he left for his new job at the jail, he preached as his sermon text John 14:3: "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also."
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3,6,1,8,4,5,9,2,10,7."
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and asked, "And God threw him back down?"
Three good friends died in a car accident and went to heaven. During their orientation interview, the angel asked them, "When your friends and family are looking down at you in your coffin at your funeral, what would you like to hear them say?"
"Well," said the first man, "I think I'd like to hear them say that he was a great doctor of the time, and a good husband."
"That's very good," said the angel. He turned to the second one and said, "And what would you like to hear your family and friends say as they look at you in your coffin?"
She thought for a minute, then said, "I'd like to hear them say that she was a good mother, and a good teacher to the children of tomorrow."
"That's a good answer too," said the angel. Turning to the third, he said, "And what would you like to hear your loved ones say as they're looking at you in your coffin?"
Without hesitation, he said, "I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's still breathing!'"
The pope was touring New York one day. His New York chauffeur, wanting to impress him, said, "Hey, Mr. Pope, anything you want, I'll make it happen for you. Just name it."
"Well," said the Pope thoughtfully, "Now that you mention it, I've always wanted to drive a car. Back in the Vatican they keep me pretty much holed up, and when I want to go out, they always insist on driving me around in that papal buggy. Just once more in my life I'd like to drive myself for a change."
"Hey," said the chauffeur, "No prob." So they got out of the limo and changed places.
The Pope had driven no further than a block before he accidentally ran a red light. Immediately one of those tough New York City cops drove up behind the limo and turned on his lights. He pulled it over and got out of the car. Then he strutted on over to the limo. But before he reached it, he noticed who was driving, went straight back to his car, and called his chief on the radio.
"Chief," he said, "I just pulled over somebody I shouldn't have."
"What," said the chief, "You didn't pull over another cop, did you?"
"No, chief, he's bigger than that," said the cop.
"You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?"
"No, chief, he's bigger than that."
"Why you didn't pull over the president of the United States, did you?"
"No, chief, he's bigger than that."
"Well then who did you pull over?" the baffled chief asked.
"I don't know," replied the cop, "But whoever he is, he's got the Pope for a chauffeur."
A cop pulled over a car and approached the driver, a nun.
"Why were you only driving 23 miles per hour on the Highway?" He asked.
"Well, the sign said 23 miles per hour," she replied.
"No, that sign said Highway 23. That's not the speed limit," he said. Then, looking at the other nuns in the car, he asked, "Why do they look so shaken up?"
"We just exited Interstate 196," she answered.
If you must speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
The way we would sing them if we were honest:
Three families sat down to eat dinner. The hostess said to her young daughter, "Honey, would you say the blessing for us?"
"I don't know," said the youngster. "I don't know what to say."
"Just say what you've heard Mommy say," responded her mother.
"Okay," she said. "Dear God, why did I invite all these people over?"
Fred Oyster and Sam Clam were the best of friends, right up until the day they died. Afterward, Fred went to heaven, but his unfortunate pal Sam went straight to the other place.
And although Fred so enjoyed heaven, he missed his old friend badly. So he begged Gabriel to let him visit Sam, if only for a single day.
"Well, okay," said Gabriel, "But on one condition. You must not leave your wings or your harp down there, and you must not stay overnight." Fred readily agreed.
Upon his arrival into "the other place," Fred began to search for his friend Sam. As it turned out, Sam had done pretty well for himself; he had opened his own disco joint. Fred found him inside and had a great time. They visited and laughed and enjoyed one another's company, until finally Fred looked at his watch.
"Whoops," said Fred, "It's nearly evening. I've got to go. Great to see you, Sam." With that he grabbed his wings and ran for the door.
When he arrived at the pearly gate to Heaven, Gabriel met him. "Where's your harp, Fred?" he asked.
Slapping his forehead, Fred said, "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
Once there was a dishonest painter who used to water down his paint far too much. One day, as he was painting the steeple of a church building, thunderclouds gathered and rain washed all his thinned-down paint away. Then followed a booming voice out of heaven, saying, "Repaint, and thin no more."
Once a generous Rabbi went to work in the colony of a people called "the Trids." As he was among them, a large and menacing giant appeared on the scene and began abusing the Trids. He picked them up and threw them down and began kicking them mercilessly.
"Hey, stop picking on those poor Trids," the Rabbi interjected. "And stop kicking them. If you must kick someone, kick me instead."
The giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
"Teacher," Tommy asked in Sunday School, "I don't understand. You're always saying that 'the children of Israel did this' and 'the children of Israel did that.' Didn't the grownups ever do anything?"
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Q: What was the name of Isaiah's horse?
A: Isme, because he said: "Whoa Isme!" (Isa. 6:5).
Q: What book of the Bible first mentions Tennis?
A: Genesis, which says that Joseph served on the Pharaoh's court.
Q: Who was the wisest financial investor in the Bible?
A: Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else liquidated their assets.
Q: What's the lumberjack's favorite book of the Bible?
A: The Axe of the Apostles.
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